p9:blog

The way you get a girl is to say, ‘No problem.' Everything, no problem," says a Russian mobster named Peter that's sitting next to me at dinner. "If they late then you just have a drink alone. When they show up you say, ‘Hey, don't worry about it.' And you go on with the night. Everything is no problem forever and ever. Don't call me back—no problem. See you on the street with another guy—no problem."

Peter now has the attention of the entire table. He moves his head from far left to far right in a sweeping gesture that's so slow it makes me think he's totally forgotten what the fuck he was talking about. After making sure everyone is silent, he adds, "…then…when she finally say those three words. When she finally say, ‘I love you'. YOU TURN THAT BITCH OVER AND YOU FUCKING PUNISH HER FOR ALL THE BULLSHIT SHE PUT YOU THROUGH!!!"

Peter is a scary meathead who talks to trees, wears Zubas and is about to go to jail for double homicide. He's also kind of right. The best way to get the girl you like is to be laid-back and casual, then, once you have her, be a Russian mobster. That's easier said than done. Picking up chicks is hard. All women have to do to get laid is say "yes" and lie down. Even fat girls can do well if they put on high heels and wait until last call. Blacks get to fuck whomever they want and if they go to Scotland they get laid even more than that. Gays and lesbians get so laid they're already bored with it. But what about the other 2.98756 billion of us? How do we get laid? Read on, motherfucker…