p9:blog

The way you get a girl is to say, ‘No problem.' Everything, no problem," says a Russian mobster named Peter that's sitting next to me at dinner. "If they late then you just have a drink alone. When they show up you say, ‘Hey, don't worry about it.' And you go on with the night. Everything is no problem forever and ever. Don't call me back—no problem. See you on the street with another guy—no problem."

Peter now has the attention of the entire table. He moves his head from far left to far right in a sweeping gesture that's so slow it makes me think he's totally forgotten what the fuck he was talking about. After making sure everyone is silent, he adds, "…then…when she finally say those three words. When she finally say, ‘I love you'. YOU TURN THAT BITCH OVER AND YOU FUCKING PUNISH HER FOR ALL THE BULLSHIT SHE PUT YOU THROUGH!!!"

Peter is a scary meathead who talks to trees, wears Zubas and is about to go to jail for double homicide. He's also kind of right. The best way to get the girl you like is to be laid-back and casual, then, once you have her, be a Russian mobster. That's easier said than done. Picking up chicks is hard. All women have to do to get laid is say "yes" and lie down. Even fat girls can do well if they put on high heels and wait until last call. Blacks get to fuck whomever they want and if they go to Scotland they get laid even more than that. Gays and lesbians get so laid they're already bored with it. But what about the other 2.98756 billion of us? How do we get laid? Read on, motherfucker…

If it's been more than say, two months, go fuck a fatty. You need to get the ball rolling again and having sex with an ugly girl is the best way to do that. It gets your confidence up and it gets that horrible reek of desperation off you. Besides, fucking a 5 is way more fun than fucking a 10 because you're totally relaxed and can do whatever you want.

You don't have to be Gallagher to be funny. The funniest shit is just being totally honest. Like "Do you ever feel uncomfortable in places like this? Everyone seems so put together. What are you supposed to do with your arms if you don't smoke? Can you imagine how relaxed people with no arms must be? I wish I had no arms." Saying totally honest and humbling stuff like this is literally funny because it's true. It also shows you are ballsy enough to not give a shit what people think of you.

If you're into a girl and you're not sure if she's into you, a great way to carefully gauge what's going on is to pretend you had a dream about her. When you see her you go, "Holy shit, I just remembered something. I had a dream about you last night." If she recoils in horror you can back off by saying something like, "We were fighting this giant fireman that looked like that Iron Maiden guy. I think Riddick was there—weird." She'll say, "Ooooh kaaaye" and you will just shrug your shoulders, shake your head, and in a "Dreams, what will they think of next?" kind of a way go back to your desk.

If, however, she seems interested, you can go kind of close to sex. Don't say she was blowing you all night and cumming from it but maybe you could say, "I think we were married and we had quintuplets or something. I can't remember." The beauty of the dream trick is it's you saying "I might like you" without putting your ego on the line. If she's disgusted it's not your fault. It's the dream's.

The secret to getting laid is to always have three on the go. Focusing on one girl is what they did in the 1940s. You are about carpet bombing the city with cock. If you throw enough shit against the wall something's got to stick. The only way a single guy can get laid as much as a relationship dude is to have a harem. Some like to have five on the go at once. Others think that's more stress than it's worth. You don't want to be a juggler at a mad carnival, so stick with three, a pair and a spare. You have the two you're torn up about and then you have the plan C who likes you too much. That way, when you get rejected by one you can hop down to two and if things are looking really bad, you can sink down to your last resort for some comfort food. This takes the desperation out of your voice and makes you seem calm, smooth, and reliable.

Way-out-of-your-league super-hot girls are so hard to get that it's usually not even worth it. The good news is you yourself don't have to be that hot. They are surrounded by hot every day and are desperate to get some substance in their lives (that's why they write songs). Are you a producer, promoter, director…? Maybe you didn't hear me well enough. Are you a producer or a promoter (wink, wink)? Oh, cool, well maybe you could help her out with her shitty clothing line or her incredibly gay poems. Nobody takes 10s seriously, so if you even remember her name she's going to be impressed.

Actually, hold on—why do you want to fuck a 10 so badly? They are so fucking lame and stupid you're going to be bored out of your skull 95% of the time. We suggest you, 10s, and the cold-call dudes fuck off and stop reading this magazine. We hate you.

This one's easy. NOBODY but Latino guys can lay Latina girls. Nobody even KNOWS these girls. You might as well try to fuck dead movie stars like Greta Garbo or Lily St. Claire or someone.

Asian girls come in two types: FOBs (Fresh Off the Boat) and Born Heres. The only thing these two groups have in common is no ass, smooth skin, great tits, and a bad relationship with their father.

1) FOBs: One way to tell a FOB from a Born Here is to check the shoes. Ever seen those before? Me neither. They're from Taipei. FOBs are not that hard of a nut to crack. As we've pointed out many times before, this whole continent is a mindfuck to them, so having sex with a loser like you is not so absurd. Conversation and charm can be a pretty lethargic plodge so don't waste your energy. Make them CD mixes. You can put on shit like the Rolling Stones and it's like you dug up this underground British blues band.

2) Born Heres: The tricky thing about these girls is they've been fighting with their dads for so long about assimilation, they've become white just to spite him. They love to fight and are stubborn as shit. Never ask a Born Here where she's from or anything about her parents' country. In fact, it's better to stereotype them as something American. If she's from Indianapolis say, "The problem with all you Midwestern types is how fat you get after a lifetime of cheese and beer." That shows you love her as a person, an American person, and you don't even remember what race she is.

If you are any kind of race at all you'd be stupid not to play the race card. A great mulatto trick is to go up to the white girl and ask her what her parents would think about you two going out. Girls love the idea of torturing their Archie Bunker fathers and there's no reason why you shouldn't get your cut of that.

Also, if you're sitting down at the bar, put your hand near hers and JOKINGLY (remember comedy is crucial in scenarios like this) ask her what "our" babies are going to look like. Everyone knows mixed races are the best-looking kids around so it's good to plant those seeds in the back of her head.

Ich weiss nicht, mit wem von euch ich live feiern werden, aber für alle Mitglieder die nicht dabei sind, die ausserhalb Berlin und alle Leser unserer Kolumne:



Einen guten Rutsch und anschließend ein frohes neues Jahr !!

fred le pirat

...wünsche ich euch allen, Jungsis! Auf dass wir im neuen Jahr noch mehr auf die Kacke hauen!



Gruß, der Pate

aber wo das Thema Spielerfrauen bei uns immer so beliebt ist...